It's 2.25AM now and why am I not sleeping? Cause I can't sleep until blogged about today. Was actually ready to sleep, until a sms came in and unbottled all my unhappiness today.

I remembered being the one who had to "coax" Izzati to not be angry as Jas forgot her birthday and we would want to celebrate her birthday. Who would ever expect that I made myself unhappy.

Call me Jealous Queen. Yes, I'm very jealous. Why just because come one asked to celebrate her birthday and got so many presents and well wishes? Not to say I didn't, but come on, until now I've only received 2 gifts. I'm not complaining about the number of gifts though. Cause the 2 gifts i received is really really important to me. One from the MS gang. Really really thank them and love them so much. The other is from Pingz! Hand-made and given to me 1 day before my exams. This is what I call sincerity. I'm jealous. Why? Ngian Xin had the time during her exams to get all the little little stuff and put them in a box to give to Izzati. Me? Not even a card. And I thought Ngian and I were quite close. Maybe she doesn't think so anymore. Even the card Shux did. Sigh. I don't want to compare, cause both are hand-made by her. But somehow I felt that Izzati's card had more effort put in by her. Oh, and do I need to mention again how important I view presents? I don't need the gift to be expensive. I care about the thought. It's the thought that counts. But I don't see anything.

I'm such a spirit dampener. Today was supposed to be fun and enjoyable, but I spent my day stoning away. Why? Cause I totally couldn't fit into the conversation. Tried to crack some jokes but failed. The NUS people were all seated together. One clique. The NTU people one table another clique. Me? At the head of the table with the NTU people but I couldn't seem to fit into the conversation. Makes me feel extra again.

I know that Shux do occasionally pop by and read my blog. Part of me don't want her to read this, but the other part of me wants her to. Nothing against her, but sometimes I just feel used. A substitute for Jas. When Jas is not contactable or would not be as willing to listen (example 1am at night), then would she call me. Seriously, I don't really look forward to receiving any late birthday present from her, cause it has totally lost its meaning. Maybe it's a weird thinking of mine, but I always feel that if a friend was important enough and I treat exams equally or even more importantly, I'll try and plan her birthday or her present before I know that exams are so near that I don't have the time to go and buy. In this aspect, I really really think that even my MS friends have more sincerity. Why? Cause they bothered to take out time to buy present, buy cake to surprise me after lecture. They kept to promises of overseas trips together. Recall the times when me, ngian and jas would say we want to goTaiwan together after A's. Did we? No! They made their own other plans first, so reason was no money to go Taiwan. Thanks to you guys, I'm now glad that I'm giving my first trip out with friends to friends who appreciate more and keep to their words. Planning was even done during the exam period. This is what I call sincerity. I don't believe you all spend 24/7 mugging for exams.

Lastly, the sms I mentioned earlier. Jas messaged me telling me that they going Kushinbo on Thurs and ask me to join them if I can. So does it imply that I'm tagging along and it'll be like today? That I only can walk behind you guys and stone while you guys laugh and talk? The best part. I mentioned before. I definitely did. I going off on Thurs MORNING! Who cares if it is flight or ship or what? I'm going off in the morning! Even if it was a night thing, Kushinbo is a lunch buffet. What makes you think I will join you all just hours before I leave? You wouldn't too right Shux? If you wouldn't, then don't expect me to. And Jas still got the cheek to correct me saying I thought you were taking a ship? SO? Don't I need to be at the place of departure at least 1 hour earlier? I'm seriously reconsidering if I should go out on Wednesday to Ikea with her a not. Ask me to drive. I don't mind, but does that mean the stuff will be left at my place? My home has no place for all the things you want to buy and I have to let my dad and bro and even mum live in a place with all my barang barang around? And I also haven't pack my stuff for Thurs yet cause I'm trying to fit into everyone else's plans so I'm like going out every single day. Why don't someone fit my plan? There's no incentive for me to want to go. It really makes me wonder if the Kushinbo trip and the Ikea trip, why you want to squeeze it within this week so that it can fit into your diet plan? Sorry, my plan and your plan clash. Either compromise(though i think there is no compromise solution, it's either her plans or my plans) or it's off.

Blame it on my presonality, blame it on the period I'm having now, blaming it on ME ME ME! Damn it! I DAMN HATE IT WHEN I FEEL INFERIOR!!!!!! Cause it makes all the other negative thoughts come up. DAMN YOU!!!!!