Today was great! Intro-ed the Chinatown singing place to my hall seniors and we headed down there today! Though it's agreed that we were a weird combi going out together, but nevertheless, we had FUN! Well, at least I did! :)

Went out with Meiyan, Serene, Weeboon and Wilsen. We got a room downstairs, and that made toilet trips more tiring. Haha. For a frequent toilet visitor like me, I think I lost some water on the way up. Haha. Was actually very afraid that I'm gonna feel out of place today, cause I'm like the only junior there and other then Meiyan and Serene, I don't think I know Weeboon and Wilsen that well, although I've been talking to WB more and more often. I can't pin-point why was today fun. Not one event stood out, but overall, the whole feeling was great. Apparently Wilsen was very amazed that I sounded like Ella, don't know if I should that as a compliment or what. Haha. But I think he meant it as a compliment lah. He was very funny as he kept commenting that he thought he pressed the analog button, cause he thought he heard Ella, but it was actually me. They also made me sing Zhong Guo Hua and Ting Yuan Wei Ren Tan Ji Ta! The rapping songs. Haha. Though I was afraid that I would be monotonous in my rapping, but apparently they loved it. So ok, job well done, Fiona. Haha. The funniest part? They made me sing Che Zhan or more affectionately known as Qia Zam. Yes! The Hokkien song! Haha. They suggested I go sing Getai. Hahaha! It was also very funny when we laughed at Serene cause she couldn't read some of the chinese words. Not at her personally lah, but more of the "paiseh-ness" she showed. Haha. Serene was amazed that they served Sharks' Fin Soup there. So imagine their faces when the guy brought in the bowls. Haha!

Went to Maxwell market to eat, ate Ham Jing Peng! Haha. Nice! The Kway Chap I ate was mediocre. Not that fantastic. Made me want to rush down to Toa Payoh to eat!

Updates on my life.
1) Approached to be Financial Controller for FOC. Still thinking.
2) Creating new stepmania song. Rising Sun! Still in the process.
3) Getting hooked on to DBSK. Meiyan's fault. Haha.
4) Brought Serene, Weeboon, Siokwei and Weesian to Lavender to eat after the ushering job on Sat. Found new foodie kahki!
5) Hopefully over the emo period. :)

That's about it. Can't really think now. Hungry!

Finally tried to sleep earlier as I have 2 quiz to handle. But I just found out that I can't sleep.

Alicia popped by and she was talking to me about Prometheus stuff, about how she has this very strong feeling that she will be offered stage mag instead of her director position. I thought I was over the emo period where I was very affected by the position I was going to hold and some other people were going to hold. And also about my future in hall.

It's really maddening when you have ambitions for yourself but you know that you can never attain them no matter how much hard work you put in. Yes. If any of you remembered, it's the ambition to be Producer or Co-producer of Prometheus in my final year.

I shall be more detailed here. I planned to be stage mag this year and then continue on as producer or co-pro in my final year, but it ends up as I'm secretary this year and I'll probably be nothing in my final year.

Why nothing? Cause, firstly, I heard that if we are going on exchange, we cannot keep our room. Which means that I might not get back Hall7 even if I apply for hall in the 2nd semester. Secondly, I'm not around during the recruitment period in sem1 which means that I can't run for the top 2 positions cause I wouldn't be around to form my committee and to set a direction for the comm. Which Producer would want me? And to think my initial aim was to be Producer. Now I can't even smell Co-pro. And the thought that my Prometheus life ends at being secretary, I really cannot accept it. The challenges that I set for myself, the aims and goals I set, can never be achieved now. Truthfully, I'm really very upset. Upset that cause of I don't know what reasons, I cannot achieve anything this year and end up only being secretary.

One other hidden reason. Out of those from my batch in the previous comm, I would say that the active ones are probably just, Jas, Liksin, Cherryn and I. But I feel that the 3 of them are more sought after than me. Jas and Liksin are going to be Co-pros this year and Cherryn is going to be Director. And me? Secretary. Ha! Does this mean that I really don't have the ability? Or I'm just unlucky? I have nothing nice on my resume. Damn shit.

To add on to this situation of being in the shadows, I'm kinda expected to take over Sing and Strum in sem2 because Jas is going away on exchange. Usually, I'll be more than happy to do it. But come to think of it, 2nd sem is going to be the busiest time for SnS. Cause it's the period when most of the performances come up. So technically, I'll be doing more work than Jas. But to others, who will always be the head? Jas. Will I even get recognised? In terms of in other people's eyes and in terms of points and in terms of CCA records? So I do shit but don't get anything? And Jas goes overseas, does lesser things and get all the credit? I so feel like asking her to get someone else to do it. But that would seem like I'm really petty right?

Last words, tech crew are really being forgotten. They'll never get the chance to shine. Not when they're the tech crew, cause the cast gets all the glory. Not when it's a new year when they want to run for something. Cause, no one sees their hard work.

I HATE THIS!

After planning for a long time, finally the e4 gathering was held yesterday!

We arranged to meet at Chinatown for ktv, as Shuyi recommended this 10club ktv place. Yes, 10bucks! The catch? I couldn't find any. Haha. We sang from 2-7 with a bowl of sharksfin soup and free flow of drinks! Good right? The only thing was that they only had 2 small bowls of titbit which Sam and I finished in like 5mins. Haha. Next time, if we ever go there again, we'll bring our own snacks. Haha. The songs were updated too! Had the new songs and stuff, though it took us some time to get use to the navigation. Took us a long while to find the back button. Haha. Sam was in a crazy mood. She started to pick songs for us. Assumed that we would want to sing it and keep picking and she didn't want us to move the songs, so we ended up singing songs from the same artiste before we could move on. Haha. I did something that I'll never do if I go ktv with other people. I went to pick DBSK's songs to sing. Haha! Cause was scrolling through the group list and saw their name, so went in and saw that they had 3 songs. Out of which, 2 were the chinese version of songs from the rising sun album, which I know. So decided to try it out. So I sang both their songs. Haha. Funny, but I'll probably not do that with other people. They'll probably laugh at me. Haha. And the best part? The song Rising Sun got stuck in my head. Hahaha!

After ktv, we headed down to this cafe, also on the recommendation of Shuyi. Sort of like a music cafe. When we reach there, there wasn't a single soul! We were like the only once around. Although it was a bit weird, but weirdly, I liked it. Haha. Means we can make as much noise as we want. Haha. Order a bit of food, since we didn't have dinner and I personally think it's not bad. A good place to chill out with friends. The guy at the counter was friendly too.

Lastly, we walked from Chinatown to Clarke Quay in search of other finger food. Ended up at Burger King at Central. And I found out they no longer sell cheese stick! That was like my fave from BK lah! And they replaced it with something called Chicken Tenders. Which looked oddly like the cheesesticks but saltier and was really just chicken.

Oh well, I'll rate yesterday a good day! Though I could still sing on, and Shuyi was obviously missing her boyfriend, and I didn't know what to say, but still, I LOVE meeting e4! :)

It's finally when I have a plan of what I want to do in the future. Or at least finally that I've set a target for myself. But life just has to thwart my plans. Call it ambition or goals, I really wanted to run as Producer for Prometheus in my final year, but that has all gone with the wind. Abilities aside, it's because of the Norway trip that I'm so looking forward to that is spoiling it. So what if I can prove that I can do it? I can't!

My aim for myself was to run for stage manager this year. And next year, run for Producer. But neither will come true. Cause my trip is in Sem 1 and so I won't be around during the production itself, so I can't be a stage mag. Then, cause I'll be away, I cannot run for Producer too, cause I won't be around to form my own comm, sit down with my co-pro and set a target for Prometheus. Yada yada yada. Then you might ask. Then why not run for stage mag in my final year? At least can fulfill one part of my aim. Well, all I can say, I wanted to run for Producer in my final year, cause I feel that it's the time where I know the most, and is able to contribute what I know. And I also want to prove to myself that I can lead. The position comes with the year I'm in. It'll be different to run for stage mag in my final year.

Disappointed. Really disappointed. Sometimes I think, if I was leaving in Sem2, then things wouldn't be as bad. Considering if I should still do it this year or not. Most probably doing. But secretary? Really far off from my plans. But maybe this is the best arrangement?

I'm always second-fiddle to others. Maybe I'm really not good enough, no matter how hard I try to prove.

I tried to be positive, then this has to hit me again. It's like finally, one more step and I'll be out of the pit, but someone has to push me back down again. I'm still falling in...

I can't help but to blog again today. This strong sense of lost is eating into me? Where is my worth? Where do I belong? What am I? Who am I? I suddenly feel that I don't know myself anymore. What am I good at? What is suitable for me to do? Why am I here even in the first place?

Can someone clarify with me my position right now?

I'm sinking...I really am.

Many things happened in this period where I haven't been blogging. For example, Prometheus ended, a lot of things happened in hall.

Oh well, the truth, I haven't been feeling very good. Still stuck in the cycle of self depression. A sense of nostalgia when the same old feelings flood back. The feeling that there is no one to listen to me. The feeling that I'm inferior, I'm playing second fiddle to somebody, I'm not important, I have no friends and the feeling that I'm like a sore thumb, sticking out in a whole group of people.

Prometheus created many wonderful memories for me, but it also aided the feelings in haunting me. Those feelings really hit hard during Prometheus times. But I must admit that I never regretted taking up Prometheus. I guess I'm still a performing person, really liked the feeling of something being "borned" on stage. But if the other feelings didn't come along with it, it would have been perfect. But nothing is perfect in this world. Haiz!

I need someone to listen to me!