Really angry today. The feeling of betrayal just surges up and brings along with it fury and other mixed emotions that I cannot name.

I've been in an angsty mood these few days. It didn't help when James came over and told me that he, bernice and karen had decided that they are going to France, Belgium, Netherlands and Luxemburg. Maybe it was the tone, maybe it was just MSN's fault. It felt like an ultimatum. Take it or leave it. If I can't put down my Switzerland, then I will have to go make my own plans. Ok fine. The fact that they pang seh-ed me for lunch and went with Karen instead didn't help. It made me feel like they pang seh-ed me and then "conspired". Whatever it is, I tried to control my anger. I'm not angry at them for not choosing to go to Swiss cause I know that not everyone wants to go there like I do and I won't force them. I just don't like it when they discuss behind our back and then give me the "take it or leave it" attitude.

Now comes the trigger. I've been telling myself to forget it cause I am willing to believe that they didn't have that intention of presenting an ultimatum. But now comes the other 3 to make me totally lose my trust in them. Because James' plans didn't include Swiss as one of the places they want to go, so I naturally turned to Audrey and the rest as I thought that Audrey wanted to go to Swiss too. I initiated a chat with all the rest. I asked for opinions. Audrey says she wants to go to Italy and Spain. The rest had no opinion. Ok, so I suggested a Italy-Swiss-Spain option. No objections. Asked me to give them a rough estimate of airfare cost. Given. Still no objections. Asked for a more detailed cost estimate with accommodation and transportation cost. So I assumed they were quite for the idea of a Italy-Swiss-Spain trip. Taking into account they had a presentation on Thurs, I offered to do the research. I stayed up till 4am doing the research. Finding cheap yet decent accommodations. Searching around for must-see places in each countries. Checking out their rail system. Playing around with their rail system and seeing if they do have services from certain city to another. Trying to find the best way to maximise time and minimise cost. I spent hours and hours, but I've only managed to do a more in depth one for Italy cause it is a lot of work. Then today, they went to talk to Nicholas Teo about something, which at first I thought was their project. Cause Aud just zoomed pass me and walked over to him. So out of the LT I went, waiting for people to come out. I waited and waited. For more then like 10-15 I was waiting. So I went back in to the LT to find out what was holding up the rest. Lo and behold. They all are there talking to Nic. It still didn't strike me as to what they were talking about. So I attempted to give a "what are you guys talking about and why is it taking so long" look which obviously failed cause no one gave a damn about me. So out I went again cause the LT was too cold for me. Soon, James came out and asked to talk which I obliged. Came the inevitable talk about the apparent misunderstanding and tension within the group. Alicia said that she will tell James by tonight whether she is going backpacking with her friend or joining James. Aud says she most likely will join Nic in their trip to Italy and then later go find James before heading back to Norway. Then it hit me. They were discussing about the trip in the freaking LT. So their discussion didn't include me? Why in my absence, no one attempted to give me a msg or something to tell me that they were discussing about the trip? Why when I opened the door, still no one bothered to inform me? Another discussion behind my back. Hah! And the best part is it doesn't include Swiss too. So I am stranded? I tried to voice my displeasure, but I realised that my tears were coming out, so I walked off. I won't cry in front of them. Just as I was walking away, I heard Karen shout out to me. "So you going to travel to Switzerland alone meh?" What choice do I have then?

Now comes the message from Alicia. Here it goes.

Hey i know you're upset with us. Actually we are partly in the wrong by not being sensitive to your feelings about yr travel plans. We did consider about yr proposal to spain italy and swiss n actually still considering but u shld understand tt we have our preferences in deciding which countries we want to go. But from wad i hear from other ppl's plans i'm quite interested in just bunking with them as a group cuz its easier as well. Honestly i nv hear any other groups going to swiss. But if u really wan, can try suggesting to the class. Anw open yrself to other options as well, even if they don include swiss. If no choice den nvm ma. If wan 2 travel tgt we may need to compromise sometimes. Don get too upset, we are still considering yr plan like all others since nothing is sure yet. But ultimate,y u shldn't feel insulted if we end up not going with yr plan. Other ppl oso put in a lot of effort planning theirs n they also don't know if we are going with them. So just think about it but don think too much. I'll hear you out if u need la.

Seriously, I got angrier after reading her message. Other then probably the first 2 lines, the rest are implicitly trying to imply that I'm being a stubborn and self-centered girl. Starting from the part she said that I should understand that everyone has their own preferences. Like DUH! I knew that right from the start, that is why in both discussions that all of us were present, I kept asking for opinions! Need I mention that both discussions were initiated by me? If I didn't bother about other people's preferences, would I even ask? I asked for opinion. No one voiced anything. Not even their reluctance to go to Swiss. The part on bunking with others cause easier. Didn't they last said that travelling in too big a group is not good? Wasn't Alicia the one who herself said that she thinks that 4 is the ideal number? And seriously, what has she done so far anyway? What easier? The part on asking me to open myself up to plans even if it doesn't include swiss. Hello! No one told me their plans so to what am I supposed to open up to? I was never upset that Swiss was not included. I was upset because of the sneaky behind the back discussion that never included me. Then comes the part she says that we have to compromise. To me, there is no compromise when there is no discussion. How do both parties give way a little if there is no communication on what each other wants? Don't put it so nicely lah. Just tell me to give in. Don't use the word compromise to make yourself look good and make me look bad. The part about nothing is decided yet. Yeah right. Didn't you also just made it clear that it was either you going to backpack with your friend or going with James? Didn't James make it clear he wasn't going to give in his plans? Didn't Aud say she most likely will follow Nic on the Italy trip? Don't be insulted if they nv take my plan? So to them I'm like that lah? Other people also put in alot of effort for theirs. Yea. Nic they all also put in alot of effort. But let me tell you. My efforts were for YOU guys. His efforts was for his grp of friends. But seriously, even if you guys ultimately chose to follow Nic, I won't be insulted. I'm only mad now cause you guys give me the feeling that you are not even considering my plan, but you guys are leading me on to do research. Even though I can be quite free, doesn't mean that my time isn't precious.

You know what, continue to think what you want to think about me lah. I don't give a damn about it. I just wanted to let you guys know that I can give up the thought of going to Swiss one. But that is under the condition that there is OPEN discussion. I'm willing to not go Swiss and take up my aunt's suggestion of going on a guided tour to Swiss instead. But there is no discussion to make me feel respected as a friend for me to want to give up going to Swiss willingly. So maybe before you send such a long message and end up trying to put me down, try and think about what you are saying and think about my stand. I never openly went up to James to scream at him cause I felt it was not worth it and was willing to work within myself and left the anger go. But thanks to you guys, it failed. WONDERFUL!